to the guy i liked

to the guy i liked,

out of the dozen or so letters i've written you, i'm not sure if this is the one i want most for you to read..or if this is the one i want most to keep.
about two weeks ago, i was going through some old things, when i saw this notebook filled with all the letters i wrote and did not have the courage
to give you--letters for your birthday, for prom, for graduation, for when i found out you already had a girlfriend.. letters i now laugh at, for being so
dramatic, filled with real emotions, and everything you dont deserve. out of the many i composed, i only recall giving you two--one during retreat
and one saying sorry for something i did during a time before i even liked you. you were surprised to get the first, and i was very embarrassed to
hand it over to you. at that time, you knew i liked you and your head was inflated with air that could fill the entire atmosphere, but i wanted a fresh
start before we all headed off to college--i wanted you not to see me as the lame chick who fell for you, but as a friend--as an equal. you skimmed
through it, and after the mass, you came up to me and ruffled my hair, as if nothing was wrong. i took that as a good sign, i guess, unsure whether
you'd keep the letter or throw it away. but knowing you, i'm sure you did the latter. the second letter, i remember giving you during a class activity
for Values. i didnt have anyone to give it to, and so i gave it to you. i dont remember what it said, but im sure it was an "i'm sorry" note. you were
so surprised to receive it. we werent close yet; at the time, you were just teasing me, like you did to every girl in the room. i know, why did i fall for
such a colossal flirt? maybe cause we were textmates..then we became seatmates, and i got to know you. you werent always that confident.
underneath, you were vulnerable. i thank you because you showed me that side, when everyone else made friends with you so that you would treat
them. you knew i was never after your money. i got shocked one day to wake up one weekend, getting a text from you, asking if we could talk. you had
just lost an important contest and you hate losing..so you turned to me.. and we werent even close then.

that monday, we became seatmates. it was the start of a great friendship that developed into a teenage crush and deepened into my infatuation. i
remember when i used to tease you and the other girl next to you. i remember copying off your geom homework since i sucked at geom (heck, i
dont even remember what happened in geom class) and you teaching me how to play the guitar (because i also sucked at it. still do). i remember
our socsci group being the best there was--we always reviewed for the class contests together, and sitting together on the floor in front during art
class to copy notes from the board. i remember all the times we'd talk about music, you asking me about this song you heard, and me singing while
you played your guitar. i surprisingly even rememeber that time we both didnt have homework because of something (but i know it was your fault. oh yeah,
i asked if you could print mine, but you forgot) and we had to stand in front of class--and everyone teased us. tsk,tsk. silly things--like you tricking
me into speaking tagalog when we were on a strictly english speaking rule--yes, all of these immortalized in the pages of my diary. but you were sweet too.
you bought me food at recess even if i didnt ask you to. you gave me M&M's when i lent you my math notebook, which really shocked me, because
everyone borrows my notes but i never expect anything in return..and you gave me a christmas gift that would make me especially remember you. it was
a dog because you liked dogs. i remember that. you even explained it to me through text. haha.

come january, i decided my feelings for you had to stop.. before you knew. so i tried to move on by pretending to like someone else. he was your friend, and
i had the advantage, because you were there to fish information for me. =) when i told you who it was, you looked at me ridiculously and went, 'him?! doesnt
he already have a girlfriend?' but i said i wasnt intrested in being his girlfriend cause i didnt have a chance; he was just cute. then you tried to discourage me
more by saying he had failing grades, and i didnt listen to you because you had the tendency to make up stories. one lunchtime, you came up to me and told
me a story of how at the computer lab, you overheard him looking at my friendster account and him saying i was cute and how he noticed me at science
camp.. when i fell on our tent and the whole thing came crashing down.. but then, i wondered why i didnt even feel happy despite knowing this. i remember even
getting mad at you cause you threatened to tell on me. we didnt talk for a week, and i missed you badly then.. even if you were just beside me.

there came the time when we werent seatmates anymore, but we talked and texted. you still annoyed me at drafting class. there was this time i was always at my mother's office (she
worked at a tutoring center) and then one of our schoolmates was there, being tutored. i joined him, since i was also having a hard time at geom, and we were
texting..and you went, 'what are you doing?' and i replied, 'i'm with *guy classmate* here, we're answering geom shit.' and you asked, 'what's the question? bet
i can answer that correctly' and it was funny cause you did answer the questions i texted you and i ended up putting down your answers. that same monday,
you enrolled for a few sessions, but for Bio. our tables would always be beside each other, and the tutors would always tease us. one night, when i was angry
with my mom, she spat to me (although i dunno why she did that), "he likes you that's why he's making patutor! he told his tutor", which i couldnt accept.. it
all just made me more confused than ever.

the days gave way to summer. the only communication we had the whole two months, i got on april 8th. it was a sunday. you told me i should go to the gym
and lose weight, but since i was indeed trying to stop my feelings for you..trying to stop being a slave to liking you, and stop trying to please you, i went for a
very cold approach. i went 'whatever. mind your own business' but you texted me, 'sorry. now please smile.i hope you'll smile forever', which i couldnt reply to. i want
you to know now that that day, my heart melted when i got that text, but i wasnt sure if you were flattering me yet again or finally telling me the truth. that thing about
you made everything confusing--because everyone was telling me that you were lying, but my heart wanted so much to believe that all of it was true.we saw each
other the next school year, but we werent classmates anymore. there was a distance. suddenly, i didnt know anything about you.. by then, my 'other crush' had
already graduated and everything, but i still liked you. I STILL LIKED YOU and i found out my bestfriend liked you.. and i found out you had a girlfriend already
and everything just suddenly hurt. i longed for the days that we were sophomores, and just like kids. from that time you threw your phone to me (so i could watch it
for you while you played volleyball for our PE team) and everything was about our childish games and teasing. i didnt stop liking you until we were seniors, and even til college,
until i decided i needed to cut myself some slack. i mean, i was in college. there would be more guys, so why hang on to someone who stopped learning to value
your friendship? although now i dont know if you really cared about me or if you did not.

(do i have to tell what i remember most about senior year?) senior year was when we rebuilt our friendship lost over time. you had broken up with your girlfriend then
and were open to hanging out with the same crowd. we jammed, played monopoly, and we talked.. although we didnt share like we used to, but i was happy that way.
we were both aiming for the same school, the same course (even though you went 180 on me and changed your first choice at the last minute). we bonded over that.
i was especially overjoyed to have seen you at one activity i invited you to, but was unsure if you were allowed. we went to the same parties, because we ran in the same
group. one of the last memories i had was when you lent me your jacket cause it was raining. you said, 'its sweet pa naman when a guy lends a girl his jacket' and i went,
'what?' pretending not to hear you. but i heard you, i did. and it made me feel like i was someone special to you. we went home late, one of those few times you were allowed
to stay out longer--so that was really a special night.

we saw each other in college a few times. they were still special to me, especially that day we got to bond in mcdonalds. sorry there was a little extra, i know both of you
felt uncomfortable. there.. until that one day, you were in a bad mood, and i realized how i should FINALLY get over you. it's been a year, and it wasnt easy, but i think im
ready to face you now. i remember when i used to say to myself, that one day you will regret what you lost..but i dont even feel the need to prove you that. i still find
myself thinking of you sometimes--wondering how you are, especially since i live nearer to you than you realize.

two weeks ago, i found out that back then, you actually liked me too. and i didnt know whether i would be happy or sad.. but i mostly didnt know
what to do with that piece of information. back then, every one of my friends were telling me "he likes you", but i didnt believe them because i didnt think
i deserved to be liked. i was influenced by movies, with the cliques and social hierarchies. i believed every school had to have that (even though now everyone
in our batch openly admits there was none), and i played the role of the loser fat girl. although eversince that had been told to me, everyhing became clearer
now. why when i would mention him, you'd keep quiet, put him down.. or just plain tell me that there are better people out there. how you'd give me all these things,
without me asking. what you did was pretty cute actually. dont deny it. you may have forgotten it, but as long as you dont deny it. you told my bestfriend in class
once that 'my other crush' was one lucky guy bacause i liked him. i want to pinch myself now for being so dense then. while i was hoping and making 'double meaning'
to every action you made, my 'double meanings' actually meant the real thing! and there i was, moping, sobbing and sighing, saying no one could ever like me..
but there you were. no wonder you moved on.

its been a year since we last saw or spoken each other. our other friends say you want to see everyone--that we should have a reunion again. i'm sure this time, i'd be
able to face you bravely now. im sure when i see you, i wont fall for you again. and i hope this time, when i see you, i wont regret liking you or remember the moments
i used to treasure with distaste. let everything flow and chill.. and maybe we can still be friends.

I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
i have a follower. Well, it says so in my notifications. I just dont know how to add him/her up. :(

I can't be too sure though; so, i'll just be happy cause I've gotten 11,000++ hits! Last time i checked, I barely had 400. Oh my. =) People who visit this site, help me. Click on the Ads, please! :)

Remember when i said last time that one day, when I get a laptop and internet connection, I'd update my blog? Well that day is today. Oh my # 2! Finally. I get to exhaust my energies and thoughts out. :D

Soon!
xoxo,
happyhavaianas

because i couldnt help myself

No more excuses. I subscribed for internet for a week so i can now finally update my blog.

September 18th. My classes ended at 10am because we didn't have ChE26. I was literally lost as I stepped out of the Physics pav. Christia stayed. Merrie went to Math. I lingered for a few because I thought of waiting for Mithi, but my feet had other ideas and so I went to the jeepney stop and rode a jeep home. Good thing, cause when I got inside, my stomach began to hurt. Strangely, it stopped when I got to my room. I was super shocked to find Cher there. She had just woken up..and I had come home from class already. She left after a few, and haaa. solitude.

I feel strangely weird about the fact that for someone who so loves being the center of attention, I abhor the idea now. I've learned to appreciate the quiet..probably cause I seldom ever get that here. Manila is just so FULL of people. Everywhere you look, there's people. It's just daunting sometimes, cause where is everyone coming from?! Maybe it's also cause I haven't been spending time with people..my friends, especially. I miss everyone.

My mood carried over to the next day, Saturday. I stayed in the whole day, "doing" my paper (although i was more like, downloading). of course, staying in took its toll on me. my roommates were out the whole day--ate Yo went to Hong Kong; Cher went to a parteyyy, and I was left behind. :( i texted my friends but they were busy. haruuumf. i honestly felt bad because we never get to spend time together anymore. i texted my mom, but even she wasnt in the mood to play my drama games. i forgot what i did that night but i found a way to feel better about myself anyway. :D

Sunday. IMPULSE. i woke up at 11 and went online. Mithi and I connived to meet in Trinoma. finally! i could go out! i bought a shirt for my sorrows and it was kinda funny cause i found it when we were on the way out. did i mention it was a day of irony? we ate an expensive burger meal cause we were craving for burgers.. and again, on the way out, there was a burger joint. oh wow. :|

there. penny for my sorrows. :(

back again

this is really funny.

i am back after a year or so of NOT writing, i came back to reread my blog from a year back. tomorrow, it will be wej's birthday, and unlike last year, i dont think we'll be celebrating with him again. public and icky as it may sound, well, we havent been on speaking terms for probably half a year already.

i reread my entries, and i had to laugh. i wish some of my entries sounded that funny and witty. after a year, some things changed. some are the same. like, i still don't have internet access so i can't blog as often as i would want. i, in fact, almost forgot my blogspot password, not that anyone reads my blog anymore. hay.. i need inspiration about what else to write. :/


xoxo,
happyhavaianas

happier

October 17th
exactly 2 months since my last entry

I read my past entries and realized how a lot of things have changed. Two months ago, i saw life as routinary, ordinary, etc. i was bored! but recently, i've been a lot happier. i've made new friends in the dorm, and i'm looking forward to building a stronger relationship with them next sem. i'm happy. i'm just so happy and lucky to have met different people from different walks in life. haha. am i sounding like this overly optimistic, thankful person? well, yeah. i am. i guess it's also partially due to the fact that my writing style isnt as totally polished as before. i think it got worse over the last couple of years. i'm glad though that i still know how to maneuver my way around the english language. :)

tomorrow, i'm going home!:)

xoxo,
happyhavaianas